this life is sacred…

my sweet little duncan doggie has terminal cancer. oral malignant melanoma. common to dogs his sex, age, breed, color…he basically had all the risk factors. we drive him weekly to raleigh, nearly 4 hours each way, for radiation treatment. he gets 6 pills a day now…for pain, for infection, for his doggie alzeihmers, for his incontinence. we are starting him on neoplasene (a holistic therapy) made from bloodroot. he can no longer eat hard food or greenies. but he is more lively than he’s been in months. he smiles more now, and comes to visit for snuggles and hugs more often. at night he sleeps curled up by my feet, my heart, my head…and the sweet snoring that i love, is also now a reminder of the tumour that is growing/shrinking within his little throat.

all this driving back and forth to raleigh gives me time to think. i wonder how much time we have? are we doing the right thing by him? have i been a good mama to him? yesterday i did the drive alone with duncan. he rested on the seat next to me and i had my right hand on his little body the whole way there and back. telling him he was loved and he was going to get better.

i remembered something. nearly 20 years ago, an old roommate told me a story about his dog. he came home from college for christmas break and his parents broke the news to him that his dog was dying with just a short time left to live. for all of break he slept with the dog. curled up on the floor in the kitchen and slept there wrapped around his best friend. he loved and loved and loved her…and the dog began to get better. my friend decided to stay home from school that spring, he wanted to be present with her as she transitioned and he spent every moment he could with his dog. and you know what? she lived. and for a good long time after that…

i know it’s a miracle. but it gives me hope. did he know what he was doing? or was it just the purity of his love for her that healed her?  i wonder what he whispered to her late in the night… and i hope somehow i can find those magic words that will keep little duncan with us for a good long time…

as i write this, i’m aware that a friend here is mourning the sudden loss of her good friend over the weekend, and that my new friend pixie is also possibly spending the last days with her beloved blue dog. this morning i read  jen gray’s blog and was struck by these thoughts she had on the perspective we get when death touches us…and sometimes passes us by:

“All those things,
the things of worry
the things of annoyance
the things of sadness
the things of distraction…

All those things that fill my mind day in and day out,
were immediately silenced.

And what replaced that space
has been a continued mantra of “this life is holy…this life is sacred…this life is to be cherished…”

The reality of this perspective has hit me so hard it’s taken my breath away.
(And it hasn’t given it back yet.)”

duncan may be “just a dog” to some, but i don’t value his life any less than i would if he were a person. he’s been my kid, and my teacher. he’s truly been the single constant in my life over the past 14 years. he’s been on my lap, at my feet, or in my backpack for endless adventures. he helped me grow up and he gave me stability when i needed it most. he makes me laugh with all his little idiosyncracies and habits and i’m so deeply honored he picked me so many years ago…

so hug your animals close. and your kids… your spouse… your lover… your friends…

this life is sacred.

…

it’s monday (a list)…

1. i’m so happy to be visiting with an aussie and two lovely ladies from korea (with  more to come!) at the burn magazine beach house workshop i’m running this week…

2. i so loved primary series at ashtanga yesterday morning…sundays are so, so special..and it sets the tone for my whole week

3. tomorrow we take little duncan doggie for his first cancer treatment…keep him in your thoughts, please

4. i didn’t do any creating this weekend, but i did spend some good quality time with and enjoyed brownies and guacamole with the divine miss tricia on saturday…

5. it is unseasonably cold here, but that means i get to enjoy wearing colorful hand-knit leg warmers, my favorite raspberry colored knit hat, and super-soft long sweaters (a few of my favorite things!) early this year…

and

6. swirly has anointed me as a book fairy! (see the cute little button over there on the right!) so keep your eyes out OBX lovelies…

~love~

…

you are lovely…

Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing of its loveliness,
to put a hand on the brow of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
“You are lovely …. You are lovely”
Until it flowers again from within of self-blessing.
~ american poet Galway Kinnel (via the gypsy girl)

i was reading an anusara yoga book last night and in it john friend describes his feeling about the purpose of yoga. yoga is about reconnecting us with our true nature ~ our divine nature ~ and reminds us that we are all one, intimately interwoven. in my reading last night, john friend took this idea even further. not only are we divine and made in the image of the divine, but in a kind of playful twist, our true nature has intentionally been hidden from us…so that again and again the divine can experience the joy and excitement of us rediscovering ourselves…

to experience us flowering again from within of self-blessing.

{contented sigh} lovely.

…

i have a secret…

“i have a secret. i don’t mind what happens. “

~ krishnamurti, 20th century indian philosopher

~~~~~

powerful, no? i enjoyed a lovely class today with mary jo…and this was the message she shared with us as she guided us gracefully through a strong, slow and inspired class. we are so lucky to have her in our midst…

some sights along the way…

all taken with my handy-dandy iphone. click on an image for thoughts….

until my heart becomes a wing…

heartwood, found somewhere

i will not die an unlived life.
i will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
i choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
i choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
~ dawna markovva ~

…

quite simply, now she knows…

quite simply, now she knows…she’s an artist.

and squam was exactly where i needed to be…

my cabin was exactly where i needed to be…

my room and cabin-mates were exactly who they needed to be…

the classes were exactly what they were meant to be…

i am utterly filled with love, strength and most of all…gratitude to the love brigade for showing me the way; for all the connections and serendipitous moments of grace; generous, wise, and gifted teachers that created and held space for our own voices to be heard; the delightful new friends made; the amazing depth and breadth of artistic voices that inspired; the obstacles moved; the doorway that opened into a light-filled future; and especially many, many, many MANY (ok, absolutely endless amounts of) heartfelt, teary-eyed thank yous to my beloved elizabeth for calling me home.

i do not understand the mystery of grace.
only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.
- anne lamott

~love~

….

who does she think she is…

fall in north carolina means…

pretty painted toes AND my favorite jeans ever…with bonus happiness for the sweet little *flower* my pedicurist suggested today. my first :).

getting my toes done every couple of weeks is one of the two greatest luxuries of my life. i justify this indulgence since my bare feet are literally in people’s faces when i’m teaching yoga, so, it’s a necessity, no?

have a lovely weekend, sweet peeps.

xo

~

the quiet times…

creature hiding in plain sight, taken with iphone…

~
there are times in my life where my world gets really quiet. It’s more than introspection…yes, there are a lot of questions teeming around inside of my heart. yes, i’m trying to *think* and *reason* my way into the answers to those questions. yes, i get physically quiet. i don’t feel much like sharing my thoughts, so i’m not speaking, not writing. not reaching out. my closest kindreds recognize these times and poke (gently)…”hey, you alright in there?”

this is one of those times. though it feels a little different, less heavy and more productive. there have been some true, honest, and beautiful realizations that make me so excited for the time when i come out of this cocoon…and there have been some really tough moments of realization of just how hard i can be on myself. yesterday i was listening to a yoga DVD (foundations by hillary rubin – it’s great. one of those that’s for beginners but is also so deep that practiced yogis will really appreciate the wisdom. i’ll have copies of it in the studio soon for you). i say listening rather than doing because i felt so tapped of energy and sad that i went to my mat with the intention of practicing along with hillary rubin, but instead found myself in a restorative pose (reclining goddess – oh how i love that name, and it’s as blissful as it sounds!) and stayed in it for most of the length of the DVD. but i listened. hillary has a a unique perspective and she said something that was like putting her finger directly on a little point of my heart and i started weeping. early on in the practice she has us in cat pose and says “how do you see yourself” and i suddenly really heard the things i’ve been saying to myself.

i’ve had enough therapy and done enough meditation to know that there is an ongoing monologue within all of us…and i’ve listened to my inner voice and worked on changing that recording. hence my “blissful*thinking” blog. i’ve always known and believed in the power of a postive thought process. somewhere along the line, though, i stopped paying attention and that voice has become, well, cruel. my voice tells me i’m not good enough in a variety of ways, using many different tactics and lots of “you should have’s…” and “why didn’t you…” and has now added “how could you…” and even direct insults. i remembered hearing myself insulting my own knees earlier in the day. to be honest, I’ve never paid much attention to what my knees looked like, but suddenly my voice is telling me they look like saggy, baggy elephant knees. what a waste of time, this voice.

but really all of it, every last bit of it, comes back to fear. the voice is just a way of holding myself back so that i don’t move forward, don’t take risks. and ultimately don’t become fully open to my own possibility.

i’m capping this introspective time with two weeks away in september. i’m blocking out some time to do a solo road trip to new hampshire to be with all the lovelies at the squam art workshops. then i’ll head back south for a week deep in the woods, by a river, with lots of trees. a quiet, lovely, art, nature, book and writing-filled soul retreat. i’ve never done anything like this before. i’ve never allowed myself to think i deserved a break. but something in my body has recently said “enough!”  i need it to be a week of sleep, yummy food, and soul work – and i would oh so love some suggestions on things to read or do to help guide this work while i’m there.  i’m so, so grateful to those in my life that are making it possible -  my friends for letting me hide away in their cabin, the instructors that have been and will be teaching my classes, elizabeth at squam for being so encouraging and telling me i belong there. i’m quite honestly, seriously scared. but i’m going for it anyway. i wonder how i’ll see myself when i get back.