head to toe…

this holiday meant lots of time spent focusing on the important things…

and for us that meant lots of snuggling with little duncan and delicious candlelit dinners. we somehow simplified everything this year and the long, relaxing days we spent together were full in the most satisfying way…with visiting, laughing, mixing hot toddies, skyping with relatives in colorado, playing wii resort games with the grandparents and just hanging out. and that was exactly how i hoped they would be.

i am so excited for 2010 and the things that are in store for all of us, i’ve signed up for susannah conway’s ‘unraveling’ e-course and i am on pins & needles waiting for that to start. so i’m spending this week purging and organizing, planning and wishing, hoping and dreaming…being thankful for time with duncan, embracing and reflecting on the challenges of 2009 and making big (BIG) plans for this next trip around the sun (GREAT things in store…i can not WAIT to share with you!! soon soon!). i’m feeling some incredible goodness coming on…

thank you so much for your support this year…for sharing, for writing, for doing yoga at the studio, for your encouragement and beautiful stories about beloved pets as we travel this journey with duncan. i hope the new year is filled with sparkles for you too and i can’t wait to hear all about it!

the view…

this is what i see from my desk today…

~ magical lists, wish lists, music lists, art supplies list all covered with doodled hearts and flowers

~ hot pink post-it notes covered with scribbled bits of ideas, fleeting connections, and insights i would like to write about

~ sketch pad

~ a reminder to myself, written in red sharpie on white paper: *what would the highest, most wonderful version of myself do right now?*

~ out the window in front of me there is an unusual and fascinating view of the dunes lit by the sun from the south, yet covered in fog drifting in from the north

~ the word *Abundance* drawn with finger on the window to my left, best seen at sunset

~ my favorite coffee mug

~ little duncan at my feet (snoring pleasantly)

~ beyond him, boxes overflowing with pretty paper and ephemera

~ an unfinished piece and all my art supplies just behind me, whispering for me to come play

~ my art altar with a collection of shells from around the world, fragments of bone, feathers, sea glass, dried leaves and flowers and above that my inspiration board filled with photos and mementos

~ and, i can hear simone’s bell as she suns herself on the deck just outside (once again she knows something i don’t).

what i’m not telling you about is the chaos of unopened mail, the pile of spreadsheets and plans for holiday marketing at NG (one of my day jobs), the reality of the boxes spilling over with ephemera (taking over a huge corner of the room), that the rug is speckled with little bits of said paper and needs to be vacuumed, both trash cans need to be emptied, and my empty bowl of pasta needs to go upstairs to the kitchen. i’ve only done 10 minutes of yoga today and my shoulders are up around my ears with the stress of deadlines.

but in that short sacred pause it took me to look around and notice those tokens, those odes to nature and love, the scribbled wishes of my heart and spirit, and the love of the creatures, and then taking the time to describe these things that feed my soul to you, i feel better.

i am better.

what do you see?

lovelovelove

***

thank you, yes, thank you…

my heart is so full today!  i took the time this morning to really pause and breathe and feel the gratitude bubbling out from within. i am effervescent with it! today, i am so so grateful for…

…the love of a wise, old doggie and the kind, playful spirit of a new kitty

…warmhearted neighbors who bake sweet treats

…patient teachers who give so much

…love

…compassionate students who fill the studio with their yummy energy

…creative crushes who inspire me constantly

…the new lock on the old studio door

…the way even a rainy day can shine a new light on things

…the open arms of friends near and far

…collard greens and root vegetables that remind me of our connection with mama earth

…love

…laughter and wine with fab girlfriends

…the patience of loved ones as i gathered myself this fall

…new paths to wander and new eyes with which to see

…the strength and flexibility of my body and mind, and…

did i mention love? love is the root of it all. love is all there is. love is all we need. there’s more than enough to go around. and the more you give of it, the more you get. how good is THAT.

happy thanksgiving, one and all…

~

 

p.s. to the photographer of the picture above. i’m sorry, i don’t know who you are or how your photo made it’s way to my desktop. thank you for letting me use your image. and tell me who you are so i can credit you properly!

nana…

today ~ november 19 ~ is the anniversary of my nana’s birth.

she would have been…gosh, terrible as it is i’m not sure…somewhere over 90. she passed in 2003. we had grown distant, and it makes me so sad. but tonite it feels like a story that needs to be told.

it’s a complicated story and the short version is that she lived with my mother. my mother and i haven’t been on speaking terms for over twenty years now, but for a few attempts at a truce or reconciliation that were unfortunately short-lived. there is no real way to write about something like this without feeling guilty. someone will always say i should try harder, or forgive better, or won’t i be sorry when… but they didn’t grow up in my world. and as sad as at is, it’s just not meant to be. i’ve had to learn to trust that instinct within me that says move on and to try to be at peace with it.

but there’s a hole in me. i hole where my mom should be, and where my nana was. she was awesome. funny, foul-mouthed and gentle. i lived with her for many of my growing up years and we spent long summer days together. she loved birds and would stand at her bedroom window in the mornings whistling, mimicking their calls and talking to them.

due to some lifelong vision issues she couldn’t drive, so we’d cab around town. weekly we’d go to the library which i loved so much. it was this huge old stone gothic style building. in my mind’s eye now it is reminiscent of notre dame, though that could just be my imagination. it certainly was cavernous and echo-y with a gigantic stone rotunda at the entrance. to the right was the children’s section and i started with the hard big books and worked my way up to young literature in that room (judy blume and whatnot). to the left was the endless stacks of books.  reference, fiction, non-fiction…row upon row upon row. she was an avid reader, two to three books a week she’d check out of the library. she loved mystery novels. particularly of the crime variety. i didn’t inherit that addiction, but i did inherit her love of books. they make me feel safe. they comfort me, keep me from feeling lonely, teach me things and inspire me.  i adore them, collect them, covet them, and order them compulsively from amazon. amazon’s prime program* rues the day they signed me up, believe me.

after the library we would walk a few blocks down past city hall where she would remind me about my long-lost great-great-uncle that once served the town as mayor. we would also pass the world war II memorial. sometimes we would go and look at it since my grandfather’s name was inscribed on it having served in europe during the war. i’d like to say that these brushes with my genetic history moved me in some way, but really i was so excited to go to friendly’s i could hardly stand it.

if you’re not familiar, friendly’s, is a diner-esque kind of burger and ice cream chain. great crinkle fries. for me and nana though it was all about the lime rickeys. cool and refreshing on a hot summer afternoon. they had a little fizz and if we were feeling extravagant we’d get the raspberry version. we’d sit at a booth and well, hang out. i’m sure i blathered on about whatever little girls talked about. but whatever it was, i always felt heard.

i was with her when john lennon was killed and i remember sitting in her kitchen, the tv on, feeling sad because one of the men who made my song “michelle, my belle” was dead. my first little art studio was in her finished basement, and my watercolors hung – framed – in her living room. i obsessed over the princess diana wedding with her. i watched the whole thing on television and poured over the magazines, convinced i was going to marry that young blueblood and have a fabulous wedding like hers. we’d do exercises with jack lalane and that other lady in the black unitard, she taught me how to shuffle cards, played go fish with me, tolerated my gypsy moth caterpillar “pets”, and was there to catch me when i freaked out about some garter snake that slithered in front of us on the driveway.

but then too quickly i grew up. my mom moved us out-of-state. i started high school, got a boyfriend, and soon nana was just one of the grown-ups that i tried to avoid at the detestable holiday events. as soon as high school was over, i moved out of my mom’s place and ventured out on my own. a car, part-time college, full-time job and nana grew older. she suffered a heart attack and living by herself seemed too much (too much work, too much of a risk?) and she moved in with the one person i was trying so hard not to be around. years went by, she grew more fragile. her skin more papery, her voice more raspy. the oxygen machine a permanent fixture.

the last time i saw her fully alive was about a year before her death. i was sitting next to her at my mom’s, and suddenly i knew deep within the core of my body that this would be it. i started crying. i sat on the floor next to her chair with my head in her lap sobbing. mute. aching with remorse for not having done it all differently. i stayed like that for a long time. she rubbed my head…and i looked up and told her i loved her and left.

i saw her once more, in a nursing home, not quite in a coma but not responsive. she seemed to be troubled, in pain. i held her hand. asked them to give her more medication. soon, she was gone.

it is my only adult experience with death…and i wish i had been more of an adult when the time came. the regret i have is thick with the things i should have done. i wonder what her beliefs were about what was going to happen to her, i wonder what she wishes she’d done, or done differently. what does she remember about our time together? what kind of advice would she have for me now as an adult with adult decisions and responsibilities? would we play gin rummy? would she like my cooking? would i make her laugh?

whatever her beliefs were about where she was going, i know she ended up somewhere where she could reach me. she comes to me when the door is open and usually she doesn’t say much, but i can hear her whistling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*free two-day shipping for a whole year for only $75! i know that’s not really free but honestly…when you order as many books as i do, it might as well be.

it’s monday (a list)…

1. i’m so happy to be visiting with an aussie and two lovely ladies from korea (with  more to come!) at the burn magazine beach house workshop i’m running this week…

2. i so loved primary series at ashtanga yesterday morning…sundays are so, so special..and it sets the tone for my whole week

3. tomorrow we take little duncan doggie for his first cancer treatment…keep him in your thoughts, please

4. i didn’t do any creating this weekend, but i did spend some good quality time with and enjoyed brownies and guacamole with the divine miss tricia on saturday…

5. it is unseasonably cold here, but that means i get to enjoy wearing colorful hand-knit leg warmers, my favorite raspberry colored knit hat, and super-soft long sweaters (a few of my favorite things!) early this year…

and

6. swirly has anointed me as a book fairy! (see the cute little button over there on the right!) so keep your eyes out OBX lovelies…

~love~

…

you are lovely…

Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing of its loveliness,
to put a hand on the brow of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
“You are lovely …. You are lovely”
Until it flowers again from within of self-blessing.
~ american poet Galway Kinnel (via the gypsy girl)

i was reading an anusara yoga book last night and in it john friend describes his feeling about the purpose of yoga. yoga is about reconnecting us with our true nature ~ our divine nature ~ and reminds us that we are all one, intimately interwoven. in my reading last night, john friend took this idea even further. not only are we divine and made in the image of the divine, but in a kind of playful twist, our true nature has intentionally been hidden from us…so that again and again the divine can experience the joy and excitement of us rediscovering ourselves…

to experience us flowering again from within of self-blessing.

{contented sigh} lovely.

…

until my heart becomes a wing…

heartwood, found somewhere

i will not die an unlived life.
i will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
i choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
i choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
~ dawna markovva ~

…

fall in north carolina means…

pretty painted toes AND my favorite jeans ever…with bonus happiness for the sweet little *flower* my pedicurist suggested today. my first :).

getting my toes done every couple of weeks is one of the two greatest luxuries of my life. i justify this indulgence since my bare feet are literally in people’s faces when i’m teaching yoga, so, it’s a necessity, no?

have a lovely weekend, sweet peeps.

xo

~

the quiet times…

creature hiding in plain sight, taken with iphone…

~
there are times in my life where my world gets really quiet. It’s more than introspection…yes, there are a lot of questions teeming around inside of my heart. yes, i’m trying to *think* and *reason* my way into the answers to those questions. yes, i get physically quiet. i don’t feel much like sharing my thoughts, so i’m not speaking, not writing. not reaching out. my closest kindreds recognize these times and poke (gently)…”hey, you alright in there?”

this is one of those times. though it feels a little different, less heavy and more productive. there have been some true, honest, and beautiful realizations that make me so excited for the time when i come out of this cocoon…and there have been some really tough moments of realization of just how hard i can be on myself. yesterday i was listening to a yoga DVD (foundations by hillary rubin – it’s great. one of those that’s for beginners but is also so deep that practiced yogis will really appreciate the wisdom. i’ll have copies of it in the studio soon for you). i say listening rather than doing because i felt so tapped of energy and sad that i went to my mat with the intention of practicing along with hillary rubin, but instead found myself in a restorative pose (reclining goddess – oh how i love that name, and it’s as blissful as it sounds!) and stayed in it for most of the length of the DVD. but i listened. hillary has a a unique perspective and she said something that was like putting her finger directly on a little point of my heart and i started weeping. early on in the practice she has us in cat pose and says “how do you see yourself” and i suddenly really heard the things i’ve been saying to myself.

i’ve had enough therapy and done enough meditation to know that there is an ongoing monologue within all of us…and i’ve listened to my inner voice and worked on changing that recording. hence my “blissful*thinking” blog. i’ve always known and believed in the power of a postive thought process. somewhere along the line, though, i stopped paying attention and that voice has become, well, cruel. my voice tells me i’m not good enough in a variety of ways, using many different tactics and lots of “you should have’s…” and “why didn’t you…” and has now added “how could you…” and even direct insults. i remembered hearing myself insulting my own knees earlier in the day. to be honest, I’ve never paid much attention to what my knees looked like, but suddenly my voice is telling me they look like saggy, baggy elephant knees. what a waste of time, this voice.

but really all of it, every last bit of it, comes back to fear. the voice is just a way of holding myself back so that i don’t move forward, don’t take risks. and ultimately don’t become fully open to my own possibility.

i’m capping this introspective time with two weeks away in september. i’m blocking out some time to do a solo road trip to new hampshire to be with all the lovelies at the squam art workshops. then i’ll head back south for a week deep in the woods, by a river, with lots of trees. a quiet, lovely, art, nature, book and writing-filled soul retreat. i’ve never done anything like this before. i’ve never allowed myself to think i deserved a break. but something in my body has recently said “enough!”  i need it to be a week of sleep, yummy food, and soul work – and i would oh so love some suggestions on things to read or do to help guide this work while i’m there.  i’m so, so grateful to those in my life that are making it possible -  my friends for letting me hide away in their cabin, the instructors that have been and will be teaching my classes, elizabeth at squam for being so encouraging and telling me i belong there. i’m quite honestly, seriously scared. but i’m going for it anyway. i wonder how i’ll see myself when i get back.

a quick wave hello…

hello lovelies! just popping in for little wave (hello!). it’s busy here in my world with comings and goings, friends in need, kitties, doggies, and souls to feed, visitors, family, traffic…oh it goes on and on…but i promise i’m taking time every day to stop and breathe and notice. i believe gratitude is a practice, in much the same way that yoga or pranayama or meditation are practices. i feel it’s something i need to consciously do ~ carve time out of my busy life to acknowledge just how good things are, those tiny details. last night driving south to visit the family i had this moment of complete and total, well, awe at the sun. our sun. our STAR. how profound and magical it is that our little planet circles around this huge firey ball of energy and it’s so far away, and it heats us up, and burns our skin. and then the full moon rose up over the ocean and i sat in awe again. the moonlight reflecting on the water, and remembering that really it’s just the sunlight reflecting off the face of the moon…magic.

so excuse me for waxing a bit there…what i really came here to say is thank you. these are just a few of the things i’m thankful for today, right now, in this moment:

the tiny little signs i’m given that show me all is moving as it should…

the way the universe responds when i put something out there with honest purity…

big crazy rainstorms and the rainbows that sometimes follow…

my love doggie…

fresh peaches…

creating the people who invented guitars and banjos and then creating many more talented lovely people to play them…

feeling filled with hope when sometimes i get so sad…

vinho verde…

mermaids, fairies, fireflies, ladybugs, gorillas, elephants, & babies of all kinds…

tom robbins & clarissa pinkola estes…

colors…

little white star flowers with black centers and pineapple-like buds that i had never seen before until today…

simone (have i told you about simone  yet!?)…

all the lovelies in my life…

my enigmatic, harley-riding, namaste-sayin’ colorist who cracks me up monthly and keeps me from looking my age…

squam…(oh, oh, oh, soon!)…

yoga…

…and most importantly LOVE!

what are you thankful for?

…