the quiet times…

creature hiding in plain sight, taken with iphone…

~
there are times in my life where my world gets really quiet. It’s more than introspection…yes, there are a lot of questions teeming around inside of my heart. yes, i’m trying to *think* and *reason* my way into the answers to those questions. yes, i get physically quiet. i don’t feel much like sharing my thoughts, so i’m not speaking, not writing. not reaching out. my closest kindreds recognize these times and poke (gently)…”hey, you alright in there?”

this is one of those times. though it feels a little different, less heavy and more productive. there have been some true, honest, and beautiful realizations that make me so excited for the time when i come out of this cocoon…and there have been some really tough moments of realization of just how hard i can be on myself. yesterday i was listening to a yoga DVD (foundations by hillary rubin – it’s great. one of those that’s for beginners but is also so deep that practiced yogis will really appreciate the wisdom. i’ll have copies of it in the studio soon for you). i say listening rather than doing because i felt so tapped of energy and sad that i went to my mat with the intention of practicing along with hillary rubin, but instead found myself in a restorative pose (reclining goddess – oh how i love that name, and it’s as blissful as it sounds!) and stayed in it for most of the length of the DVD. but i listened. hillary has a a unique perspective and she said something that was like putting her finger directly on a little point of my heart and i started weeping. early on in the practice she has us in cat pose and says “how do you see yourself” and i suddenly really heard the things i’ve been saying to myself.

i’ve had enough therapy and done enough meditation to know that there is an ongoing monologue within all of us…and i’ve listened to my inner voice and worked on changing that recording. hence my “blissful*thinking” blog. i’ve always known and believed in the power of a postive thought process. somewhere along the line, though, i stopped paying attention and that voice has become, well, cruel. my voice tells me i’m not good enough in a variety of ways, using many different tactics and lots of “you should have’s…” and “why didn’t you…” and has now added “how could you…” and even direct insults. i remembered hearing myself insulting my own knees earlier in the day. to be honest, I’ve never paid much attention to what my knees looked like, but suddenly my voice is telling me they look like saggy, baggy elephant knees. what a waste of time, this voice.

but really all of it, every last bit of it, comes back to fear. the voice is just a way of holding myself back so that i don’t move forward, don’t take risks. and ultimately don’t become fully open to my own possibility.

i’m capping this introspective time with two weeks away in september. i’m blocking out some time to do a solo road trip to new hampshire to be with all the lovelies at the squam art workshops. then i’ll head back south for a week deep in the woods, by a river, with lots of trees. a quiet, lovely, art, nature, book and writing-filled soul retreat. i’ve never done anything like this before. i’ve never allowed myself to think i deserved a break. but something in my body has recently said “enough!”  i need it to be a week of sleep, yummy food, and soul work – and i would oh so love some suggestions on things to read or do to help guide this work while i’m there.  i’m so, so grateful to those in my life that are making it possible -  my friends for letting me hide away in their cabin, the instructors that have been and will be teaching my classes, elizabeth at squam for being so encouraging and telling me i belong there. i’m quite honestly, seriously scared. but i’m going for it anyway. i wonder how i’ll see myself when i get back.

…getting out of my own way

“there are ways that i limit myself in doing what i want, and then i later become resentful-which is ironic because no one is stopping me from anything but me.” – dancingmermaid

fascinating how sometimes it feels as though some soul has the strength, courage & clarity to put into words some quality or habit or feeling about themselves that rings a big giant gong in my own head. see, there are days when i am so clear about what i want, and i know exactly how i’m going to get there and it’s going to be so easy and i just have to begin and it will all fall into place and happen. but then it doesn’t. because…”I” come up with an obstacle of some kind – something i like to call “reality” but really it’s “fear”.

there’s not really anything i want in my life that i’m incapable of getting. not. one. thing. honestly. granted my wants and wishes aren’t pie in the sky – i don’t really want to go into space or be a celebrity, i don’t have grand material desires for yachts or jewelry. what i want is to write a book and have it published, and to be a self-supporting artist. i want a little art studio space that i love being in every day (instead of wanting yet resisting it because i cry when i try to paint something). i want yoga and my yoga studio to be my only job. i want to have a little mountain house escape. i want to go to tuscany and have a little italian roadtrip. i want to sit less in front of my computer and be outside more. i want to feel exhausted from playing all day and crawl happily into bed and the arms of love.

but as the lovely dancing mermaid said above…somehow i limit myself and then resent it later. what is that about? why do we limit ourselves? my soul sister sufi asked me the other day “what are you afraid of?” one of my responses was that i’m afraid of not living up to the expectations i have of myself. but what does that mean? and if this is true, why do i sabotage myself? and how do i get out of my own way? these are my questions. and as rilke says, i’m tryng to “learn to love the questions themselves”…

do you do this? what do you do to right yourself and get yourself back on course?

…

a quick wave hello…

hello lovelies! just popping in for little wave (hello!). it’s busy here in my world with comings and goings, friends in need, kitties, doggies, and souls to feed, visitors, family, traffic…oh it goes on and on…but i promise i’m taking time every day to stop and breathe and notice. i believe gratitude is a practice, in much the same way that yoga or pranayama or meditation are practices. i feel it’s something i need to consciously do ~ carve time out of my busy life to acknowledge just how good things are, those tiny details. last night driving south to visit the family i had this moment of complete and total, well, awe at the sun. our sun. our STAR. how profound and magical it is that our little planet circles around this huge firey ball of energy and it’s so far away, and it heats us up, and burns our skin. and then the full moon rose up over the ocean and i sat in awe again. the moonlight reflecting on the water, and remembering that really it’s just the sunlight reflecting off the face of the moon…magic.

so excuse me for waxing a bit there…what i really came here to say is thank you. these are just a few of the things i’m thankful for today, right now, in this moment:

the tiny little signs i’m given that show me all is moving as it should…

the way the universe responds when i put something out there with honest purity…

big crazy rainstorms and the rainbows that sometimes follow…

my love doggie…

fresh peaches…

creating the people who invented guitars and banjos and then creating many more talented lovely people to play them…

feeling filled with hope when sometimes i get so sad…

vinho verde…

mermaids, fairies, fireflies, ladybugs, gorillas, elephants, & babies of all kinds…

tom robbins & clarissa pinkola estes…

colors…

little white star flowers with black centers and pineapple-like buds that i had never seen before until today…

simone (have i told you about simone  yet!?)…

all the lovelies in my life…

my enigmatic, harley-riding, namaste-sayin’ colorist who cracks me up monthly and keeps me from looking my age…

squam…(oh, oh, oh, soon!)…

yoga…

…and most importantly LOVE!

what are you thankful for?

…

i was born to laugh…

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear  

- over the rhine "born"

now THIS is *blissful*…

just try not to smile, or cry, or dance in your seat…LOVE!

we are goddesses…

one of the things i love about teaching yoga is how ancient wisdom seems to come tumbling out of me…the process is fascinating. so often i don’t even know what i’m saying and quite honestly i haven’t thought much about any big, overarching lesson for the class. my classes tend to be more serendipitous. they come together like giant puzzles, as i have in mind a pinnacle pose i’d like to work into the sequence, and i’ll pick a starting posture depending on the energy of the room and basically weave our way to that pinnacle pose in a hopefully unique way – putting the puzzle pieces together as we go. but as i guide students through a flow or into a restorative posture and i feel the posture in my own mind, my own memory, i hear words, ideas, thoughts and feelings filling the space occupied by my voice.  it’s as if a channel has opened. sometimes i have no idea where it comes from – something i absorbed along my path, something that became clear within my body during my own practice, but not consciously perhaps. at other times i know exactly where it comes from, and it is as if teaching, guiding seems to be a part of the assimilation process of the knowledge. today…it was about goddess wisdom.

i’ve come to understand that i’m on a journey common to all women. it is an awakening into the nature of myself as feminine and powerful and necesssary. just typing those words and owning up to that vision feels awkward still, as i’ve only just recently leapt into the fire of this transformation – and “blissful” thinking aside – it’s not easy. my experience of our culture has thus far given lip-service to this idea of egalitarianism. the personal life i’ve chosen has been occupied almost exclusively by men, for reasons i’m only now beginning to understand, and i’ve been metaphorically pat on the head for my “cute” ideas about spirituality and yoga (and astrology and my creative endeavors, etc.). but i have much strength and there is endless female wisdom to embody…and our energy as women is needed. now. to heal our world, our planet, our communities, our families. to balance the destruction of shiva, the creative shakti needs to rise up within us. we need to hear and re-create our myths and rituals and our storyline needs to be told.

mostly, we need to remember that we are goddesses.

lovelovelove

*

suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me…

you may recall i got all excited about going to the squam art workshops retreat last september – it was such a big step with all the assoicated drama that comes with commitment, facing fears, acknowledging hidden parts of myself, y’know…all that hard stuff that’s good for you. i ended up not going for a variety of reasons, all of them surmountable individually, and most in concert, but the fear monster got the best of me and i stayed home in my cozy little rut.

well as luck {angels, spirit-guides} would have it, elizabeth ~ the founder of squam ~ showed up at my studio this week. as it turns out we were twins seperated by years and birth-mothers, long lost sisters of the earth, tribemates…i knew this of course from our first email exchange…but sometimes you need a whack on the side of the head in order to get your vision working again. silly robot.

we spent friday afternoon together – being girly, catching up, shopping, daydreaming and masterminding {read: outwitting my fear monster} my trip to squam this year. elizabeth is AMAZING {sing this loudly!}…beautiful clear-blue-green eyes, passionate, together, kooky, validating, loving and inspiring.

and suddenly i see!

the power of art is clearly no different than the power of yoga – it’s all about divine energy and creation. mary jo, one of the gifted, amazing, powerful, sensational teachers at my studio sent this quote to me:

“Your skill as a yoga teacher is not in teaching your students sophisticated technical asanas. It is in your application of yoga as a breakthrough practice for overcoming personal inhibitions, fears, and insecurities. It is in fearlessly comunicating to each one of your students their greatest possibility, to see themselves as divinity. It is by being in the passion and fire of yoga.” ~amrit desai

replace “yoga” with “art” or “creativity”…and you’ll understand elizabeth. i’m thankful, and honored, and thrilled to have her in my life…please – check out the squam site, and come join me in september!

lovelovelove!

*m

Honoring Guruji…

Sri K. Pattabhi Jois 1915-2009

As one person wrote today “my heart needs company…”

Guruji, as he is affectionately know, died today in India at the age of 93. He is one of the guiding lights of Yoga and the leading force behind Ashtanga Yoga. I believe he’s gone on to some place wonderful and I know the beauty of his teachings will live on through the many gifted men and women he has touched…

some of his wisdom…

~ Ahhh Samdhi. Yoga is Samadhi. God is One. Yoga is One. Philosophy is One. That is All.

~ Practice. All is coming.

~ Yoga is 99% Practice. 1% Theory.

~ Yoga is possible for anybody who really wants it. Yoga is universal. Yoga is not mine. But don’t approach yoga with a business mind looking for worldly gain. If you want to be near God, turn your mind toward God and practice yoga. As the sutras say “without yoga practice, how can knowledge give you moksha (liberation)?

~ Inhale, and God approaches you. Hold the inhalation, and God remains with you. Exhale, and you approach God. Hold the exhalation, and surrender to God.  (from Krishnamacharya – Guruji’s teacher)

Safe travels, beloved Guruji…

…

(one) of the loves of my life…

painted by one of the most inspiring yogini artists i know – the divine shirley ruff!

this surprise portrait of me with my loveboy…little duncan…showed up today. i’m so honored and love it so so so much. she was able to really capture the essence of this sweet doggie. the studio walls are filled with shirley’s work and i love her colors and lines and vision. thank you shirley, from the bottom of my heart.

lovelovelove

today i choose authenticity…